BY: Terrence Rowlmington Jr.
Honker Staff Reporter
Terror and awe struck the hearts of all who attended the end of term ceremony at the University of Waterloo Monday.
The culprit? An angel of science, descending from an unidentified flying object straight from the picture show, yelling “hashtag innovation,” and something about a “Major Tom.” The incident has led officials to worry about possible military action against the Waterloo region.
The figure is described as wearing white armour — likely to protect itself from hostile air — and sporting a truly spiffy moustache.
Colonel George Stanley, visiting as a lecturer from the Royal Military College for undisclosed reasons, assured the public they had nothing to fear.
“There’s like, three buildings and swamps,” Stanley said. “It’s not like we’re building a secret underground training facility. No, definitely not that.”
Mr. J. G. Hagey, president of the fledgling institution, tried to decode the mysterious being’s messages. “ ‘Hashtag innovation? Is that a drug?’ Are the Reds hooking our children on ‘hashtag’ now?” he asked.
The figure left shortly after arriving, rising into some type of “wormhole” after a declaration of “Watch this!” and blasts of foam pushing his craft with great speed upwards.
Local conspiracy hobbyist and prediction enthusiast Ms. Jeenie-Ann Kolinski believes the being to be a sign from those who watch. “Innovate, we must innovate!” she ejaculated. “Burn the unchanging!”
The being did not leave without a complete trace: it left behind a single rare and threatened Canada goose. Despite Kolinski’s warnings of “nesting season” and “61 years from now, you’ll be sorry,” Hagey decided to keep the waterfowl on campus.
“What’s it going to do, replicate itself?” Hagey asked.
The shoulder design of the beings’ spacesuit also left inspiration behind.
“Two bars and a maple leaf,” Stanley muttered where he didn’t want this reporter to hear. “There’s potential in that.”
