This weekend I'm going to make a very poor life choice and take a winter camping trip, all for your entertainment, because apparently the editors at <em>Imprint</em> have run out of things to talk about. As someone who believes nature is nothing more than an obstacle that humanity must overcome in our pursuit of happy, comfortable lives, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I am going to regret this trip. As I contemplate my last hours before the inevitable camping disaster, I find myself reflecting on the many regrets I've had over my lifetime. So as a prelude to my chronicles of camping in the winter (and as a final testament in case this trip really does kill me), I'd like to share some with you.
<em>The following is Matthew Alexander Lawes' inverse bucket list. It lists the many things in his life he will wish he had never done until the day he dies.</em>
• Not understanding the difference between “release” and “withdraw” when I first played <em>Pokémon</em>. Nothing is more devastating than releasing your overleveled Charizard into the wild by accident. Goodbye, FireKing, and good luck.
• That time in elementary school when I was at a urinal and my pants fell down around my ankles. No one walked in, but it was the longest pee of my life.
• All the hours I spent on <em>Runescape</em>.
• Being such a socially awkward nerd in elementary school. No one cares what mark you got in math, Matt!
• Being such a socially awkward nerd in high school. No one cares what mark you got in advanced functions, Matt!
• Taking advanced functions. I'm a freaking arts student.
• That girl who liked me at the grade school dances that I never went after. Sometimes I still wonder what could have been...
• Getting Facebook at the age of 12. No one should be able to make permanent records of their existence until at least 14.
• Trying to come up with weird, “totally random” photos for my Facebook profile with the intent of impressing girls with how crazy and creative I was. It did not work.
• Forgetting to take down those pictures when I was older and wiser, meaning older and wiser girls I met could look at the photos and see how much of a fucknugget I used to be.
• That phase in Catholic high school where I discovered atheism and tried to convince everyone who'd talk to me that God was a myth. Wake up, sheeple!
• That phase in high school when I wrote fanfiction.
• That time I wasn't careful enough with my computer and my friends found my old fanfiction account.
• Probably this piece, when it makes it impossible for me to get a job down the road.
