One of Hollywood’s favourite pastimes is bastardizing well-known books, because movie execs hate you and everything you love. The most recent offender is <em>I, Frankenstein</em>, a sort of in-name-only spin on Frankenstein featuring Aaron Eckhart (accompanied by a bit of facial scarring) as the titular character. Twenty-first century Frankenstein, ladies and gentlemen.
Rather than spending the rest of the column complaining that nothing is sacred, I’m going to embrace dumb movie adaptations. The following are stories that Hollywood should turn into film next. Remember, the stupider it sounds, the more likely it’ll get greenlighted.
<strong>Rapunzel</strong>
There have been some movie versions of Rapunzel, sure, and <em>Tangled</em> actually did change up the tale in an amusing way. But dammit, this is about bad adaptations. Here’s how to make Rapunzel suck:
Codename R.A.P.U.N.Z.E.L. is a living weapon who hunts down and kills her targets with the use of her genetically-enhanced hair, because <em>science</em>. But one day, she is betrayed by her organization and locked away in a maximum-security prison.
Now, in order to get revenge and find out the truth about where she came from, she needs to break out, using only her hair and her new ally Vinny Prince, a down-on-his-luck thug jailed for a crime he didn’t commit.
Ample usage of hair jokes throughout, including “Hair today, gone tomorrow,” “I’m wigging out, man!” and “Who says blondes aren’t smart?”
<strong>The Emperor’s New Clothes</strong>
Michael King was just an average nanotech scientist — until he created a suit that could turn him invisible! Using his new suit, King takes to the streets to stop crime and save his troubled community, but trouble arises when his suit malfunctions and he can no longer control when he becomes invisible.
Will King be able to stop the crime kingpin from selling drugs to the community? Can he make his childhood friend and lab partner fall in love with him? Will he be stuck as an invisible man forever? See Emperor to find out! Starring Nicolas Cage as Michael King.
<strong>Jack and Jill</strong>
In the post-apocalyptic future of 2041, clean water is an almost inaccessible resource, and the remnants of mankind are in a constant state of war over what little remains. But in a war-torn village plagued by disease and despair, two star-crossed lovers will find hope. Jack and Jill discover that a reserve of fresh water can be found at the top of the nearest mountain, enough to ensure the survival of their village. First, however, they need to get to the top of the mountain before the raiders, who want to trade the water for weapons. In a tale of love, courage, heartbreak and sacrifice, Jack and Jill must be willing to give up everything if they want to accomplish anything. And no Jack and Jill are not siblings in this movie­ — the world may be post-apocalyptic, but things haven’t become that weird yet.
To be clear, I’m not saying that all book adaptations are bad, or that they have to strictly follow the book’s plot. I’m all for adding changes to old tales as long as it’s done refreshingly. But come on, Hollywood. <em>I, Frankenstein</em>? really? I’m not angry, I’m just very, very disappointed.
