Alright Halloween, you win. You’re officially the best holiday ever. Dressing up like Black Widow and getting free candy for doing it? Not to mention no familial obligations or swerving the significant other question?</p>
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. You’re still the problematic fave. Let’s drag out your receipt, Halloween.
1. Razor blades in apples? First of all, who is giving out apples? Lead me to them because I’ve got a few angry words to direct their way. Dentists giving apples aside, what is with this season and weird fearmongering paired with legitimate threats of needles in candy? You don’t see Christmas with Santas handing out sharpened shank peppermint sticks.
2. Nightmare Before Christmas now officially a Halloween-only movie? With director Henry Selick confirming that the Nightmare Before Christmas is a Halloween movie you’ve officially just robbed Christmas of a classic movie to hog it all to yourself. Not that that’s going to stop me from watching it on Christmas anyways.
3. No trick-or-treating after dark? I don’t know about you, but my childhood was filled with staying out way past dark running around the streets hyped up on candy. Now it seems like once the moon goes down, trick-or-treaters are like reverse vampires who suddenly need to go back home lest the moon turn them to ash.
4.Christmas decorations? I’m obsessed with the Christmas season as much as any other upper-middle-class white girl, but how about we chill out, alright? It’s so hard to enjoy Halloween when you are picking out your elf ears beside the pine-scented stuffed Santas.
5. Leaving out a bowl of candy on your porch? Do or do not, there is no try. Either bring some joy to children and hand out your candy, or at least don’t be surprised when I take five candies instead of one. Your sign doesn’t control Halloween anarchy.
6. No peanut-free treats? Okay, I know, kids are basically allergic to everything now, but at the very least get some peanut-free Mars bars in the mix. Don’t be that guy who leaves the peanut kid awkwardly candyless.
7. Racist costumes? I don’t even need to explain this, but after going into the Spirit Halloween Store and seeing a mother pick out a “Sombrero Squirt” Mexican child costume or God forbid the girl considering the “Pocahottie” aboriginal costume I have lost all faith in humanity. Just… don’t.
8. The void of nothing November? Screw you America and your late Thanksgiving. We Canadians are left with no happy holidays during November. Only cold.
9. Racy costumes that are not on point? And I’m not just talking women here, I mean you boys who strip down, put on a bow tie, and call yourselves a Chippendale dancer too. There is nothing wrong with going a bit risqué — you do you — but at least put some effort into it. Don’t be Karin and point to your mouse ears with, “I’m a mouse, duh!”
10. The fact that you only come once a year! First of all, how dare you. How dare you be the best holiday with the excuse to dress up and pig out on chocolate and only come once a year. I resent you for that alone.
