Happy 60th birthday University of Waterloo! Holy smokes, I can’t believe this school made it. Who would have thought?
*Record scratch*
Oh, you must be confused: “Why are we excited about 60 years old? Big whoop, my grandparents made it to 60.”
OK but things haven’t always made it to 60 in the past. Here’s a condensed version of the ones that lasted longer than it should have, or not long enough:
1. Kim Kardashian’s first wedding (72 hours):
There is no better way to realize you don’t actually want to be with someone than marrying them, then filing for divorce within 72 hours. This was an empowering move for feminists all over the world.
Kim Kardashian clearly defied the societal norm that marriage should be long-lasting by having it last three days instead, and somehow it still cost $30 million. #empowerment #equality #feminism
2. Pokémon GO (3 months)
Every ‘90s kid was suddenly living their childhood fantasy again. With the dreams of “catching them all” and a smartphone in their hands, we saw the world getting outdoors but socially unavailable, instead of indoors and socially unavailable.
However, the show never explained what would happen after all the Pokémon were caught. Once they were all caught there was nothing else to do, and so ended the Pokémon fascination.
3. Defense against the Dark Arts professors (1 year):
Any deaths that might have happened during the Battle of Hogwarts can be solely attributed to the mediocre efforts of the school’s Defence Against the Dark Arts professors. On top of offering some of the worst teachers in the wizarding world (Gilderoy Lockhart? Dolores Umbridge? What the hell was Dumbledore thinking?), none of theprofs stuck around for more than a year.
In fairness, the revolving door that is the Defence Against the Dark Arts teaching position can be attributed to a curse that Voldemort laid, but you would think that someone at Hogwarts would be talented enough to remove it — if not out of concern for the students, then at least out of legal obligations. There’s no way working under cursed conditions is OSHA-approved.
4. Harambe (4 years):
The beloved gorilla that America gave 11,000 votes to during the presidential election went off to the great beyond long before the big 6-0.
Harambe will always be remembered for his contributions to the 2016 meme market, and for teaching us proper parenting strategies at the zoo. He might be a played-out meme at this point, but he’ll always hold a special place in our hearts. #PrayForHarambe
5. The iPhone headphone jack (9 years):
Apple is often accredited with being an innovator, a company that has strong consumer loyalty. What better way to test this loyalty than to literally take off the most convenient port on a phone? Sales of the iPhone 7 have plummeted (no, really), proving that even the most devoted of Apple worshippers have their limits.
6. Mufasa (11 years):
The average lifespan of a lion is 14 years. Imprint experts have determined based on that figure divided by the time the movie ran, multiplied by the cost of one beetle, that Mufasa was only 11 years old in lion age when he died.
Too young, too sad, too soon, still can’t talk about it.
7. The Third Reich (12 years):
… Not too broken up about this one.
8. Blockbuster (34 years):
Well it was great while it lasted, but it was dumb when they didn’t buy Netflix when they had the chance to, because it wasn’t “the future.” LOL, who’s laughing now? #NetflixandChill
9. Britain in the European Union (44 years):
Brexit made us all question what we thought we knew about politics … and then the U.S. election happened and we all gave up.
But you know, David Cameron could have been having a bad day. We need to cut them some slack for basically hurting all of their millennials. Never mind, no good way to look at this.
10. Cleveland Cavaliers losing streak (52 years):
There is some sort of bonding experience that a state shares in seeing the constant loss incurred by their home team (it’s basically all Leafs fans talk about, but they’ve never, ever won). But after 52 years of disappointment, Cleveland’s basketball team finally pulled it together in 2016. Hmm, wonder how they’ll bond over actually winning for once.
Special shout-out to things we don’t think will make it the next 60 years:
America
The recent election of Donald Trump has led to a lot of questions such as “will America survive 4 years from now?”
Well, we don’t think so, and we’re willing to give it sixty years before the anarchists take over to make America great again and implement libertarian policies, allowing them to fight trade wars with real weapons and revisit the usage of BitCoins. In any case, good luck.
Dippin’ Dots
Uhhh … I mean if the press secretary is against it, what hope do they even have?
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